Long ago!

Have you ever tried to stay at home alone for an extended time, say, for an entire month? Then you know that it is not easily done. You need some kind of daily structure to avoid loosing yourself in endless brooding or the risk of falling into depression.  

   So, as a preventive measure, I decided to focus my daytime activity on intensive reading. At that time I possessed a complete edition of Hermann Hesse that I had read through in my youth. Now I started reading it again in earnest!
   I read in the morning and in the late afternoon after returning from my daily walk through the woods and fields in the nearby countryside. Only once in my youth, when confined for some weeks with a broken ankle, had I had such an intensive time of reading.

Each day after dinner there was time for relaxing. I listened to music cassettes and tried to think about life but not obsessively to the point of stressing myself out about it. Nevertheless, those evenings were not always the best time of the day for serious thinking. More often than not, no clear thought, decision, or fundamental enlightenment was to be found in my ruminations. Instead, I felt slightly dull afterwards.

   Once a week, I went to a nearby super-market to buy some food, but avoided contact with others. I took this point seriously, because in order to succeed in my quest, I felt I had to be completely isolated from the outside world.

   For the same reason, I also strictly avoided reading any newspapers during that time, and I had already cancelled TV and radio some time. I wanted to be certain that I would be completely isolated from information about things going on in the world.                                                       

One evening, my thoughts went back to my childhood. Yes, the years between ages three and seven had been good ones. After the divorce of my parents, I lived with my mother in my grandparents’ home and there was really nothing I lacked.

   My grandparents were simple people and both very good-natured. I had a sense of well-being and felt sheltered in their presence. But I was not a stay-at-home guy. I liked to explore and discover things in the area around our home, especially with my friend Elmar. And there were many things to discover. For example, the little hills with their small ponds and pathways in the back of our small settlement.

   At other times I played the normal childhood games with the other kids such as hide-and-seek, some sort of ball games  or “cowboys and indians”. Later, at the age of seven I started going to a nearby school with great chestnut trees. I was very impressed with them and in autumn I loved to collect the red-brown fruits at the bottom of the trees. At home, with the help of my mother and matches, I made animal figures out of them. 

  

The first year in school went by followed by my first summer holidays . And along with this came a big surprise. My mother and her new partner for life, I called him "Uncle Horst", had married and wanted to take a honeymoon trip on a light blue moped to the south of France. And they had decided that I should stay for that period of time with some relatives out in the countryside.

  Uncle Willi, the brother of my grandfather, and Aunt Mary were absolutely the kindest people and made me feel welcomed from the very first moment. They lived in a small, lovely farmhouse within pure nature.

     In the back of the house was a great, slightly sloping meadow with many, many fruit-trees. Every morning and every evening the deers came out of the nearby wood and ate some of the fruit.

     I also remember very well my daily walk with Aunt Mary into the chicken stable, helping her put the new eggs carefully in aunt’s basket. Or looking over the fence into the big garden, where Uncle Willi was often working in the afternoon.

    So in those days, I felt completely loved and in perfect harmony with nature and the world. I was in absolute paradise.
But one day in the early afternoon, standing in the living-room, I startled when looking through the window. My mother and my new stepfather, good looking and bronzed from the southern sun, were standing outside talking animatedly with Uncle Willi. I had completely "forgotten" their existence. Slowly the reason for their appearance dawned on me. And with that realization, sorrow filled my heart. I had thought, that I would stay here forever.

    Softly from behind, I felt a hand on my shoulder.  Aunt Mary said, "You knew that it would come to an end!" I said nothing. With both hands on my shoulders, she turned me around. Looking directly in my face, she added, "They are your parents and they love you!"

    Then she drew me close, petted the top of my head, and said, "It was really a nice time with you here. Uncle Willi and I will miss you!"  And after a short pause, "Perhaps you can come next summer again!" She hugged me, "Come on. Let’s go outside and welcome them!"

As you might presume, it was very hard to leave my little “paradise". My few belongings were packed away in my stepfather’s car and two minutes later, as we drove away, I could see through the rear window my relatives standing together and waving goodbye. A few seconds later, as the car turned the corner, I felt that my paradise was lost and happiness had gone.